So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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