honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
