i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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