from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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