haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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