Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
