she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
