please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
