I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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