mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
