My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
