....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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