he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
