I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
