My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
