end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize