Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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