you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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