i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
