i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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