Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
