Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
