hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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