Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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