i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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