Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
