I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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