I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
