Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
