I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
