The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
