Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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