Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
