Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The best revenge is premature balding
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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