I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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