Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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