You smell like stripper and shame
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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