the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize