Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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