this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize