Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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