it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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