my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
