i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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