I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
