he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
