no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
my liver is dry heaving
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
