my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
