I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
