just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
