mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
