I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
