It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
