I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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