are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
