This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
