So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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