I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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