i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
