I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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