Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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