This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
