She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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