So drunk its hurt
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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