I molested 6 butterflies tonight
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
