woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
