yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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