Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
