Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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